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Further developments on the elder millstone front
So I phoned her when I said I would, to find out how things went with the public health visitor. If I had been in a video game, I would have been knocked backwards by the ice that came down the phone when she heard it was me. When I asked her how she was, she said "Not Well At All Today" I suspect that she'd either had time to think about what a rotten person I am, or had been nattering with her Other Friend, another senior, about Young People Today and how thoughtless and generally nasty they are.
Apparently she was Suffering some kind of Stomach Ailment. She's complained of nebulous and indeterminate IBS for decades - now, as one who actually suffers a form of this myself, I do sympathise, but on the other hand can hardly be held responsible if someone eats something she shouldn't, and in any case this Ailment has nothing to do with the pneumonia that had kept her in the hospital. Also, I tend to get less sympathetic when she says "this has been going on for the last few days" and I ask "was it happening when you were in the hospital?" and she says "no..." but she was IN the hospital "the last couple of days..." The implication, of course, was that I had Upset her, and all the Stress had caused this latest Upset. She also declared that she Hadn't Slept a Wink All Night (and it was All My Fault, I could tell).
Not much joy from the health visitor, apparently. She can get home help, but - gee, what a concept - she'll have to pay for it. If you genuinely can't afford it, you get it free, but if you can afford it, you pay. Fair enough. This woman probably thinks she shouldn't have to pay (she no doubt thinks I would be a good "home help") So we are at an impasse. Or she is. But she can wait till doomsday if she thinks I'm going to offer to come and clean for her.
And if those of you who know me are wondering about the distinct note of vitriole that is seeping into this (I don't usually eat little old ladies for breakfast), I should point out that this was a woman who visited my mother for tea every week for about twenty years without ever, in my mother's words, so much as bringing a packet of biscuits or making any truly thoughtful or unselfish gesture. When my mother was dying, she didn't go and visit her in the hospital or come to the house when she came home at the end, or send flowers or a card either to her when she was ill or to me after she died. She got shirty with me at one point because I dared to let some time go by without updating her by phone on my mother's condition. And, what I probably will never forgive her for, she couldn't make the effort to get out of bed an hour or so early in order to get to the church by 10:30 am for my mother's memorial service. But of course I had to phone her afterwards and let her know how it went and send her a copy of the obituary and of the service etc etc etc.
Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm for this project becomes clearer?
Apparently she was Suffering some kind of Stomach Ailment. She's complained of nebulous and indeterminate IBS for decades - now, as one who actually suffers a form of this myself, I do sympathise, but on the other hand can hardly be held responsible if someone eats something she shouldn't, and in any case this Ailment has nothing to do with the pneumonia that had kept her in the hospital. Also, I tend to get less sympathetic when she says "this has been going on for the last few days" and I ask "was it happening when you were in the hospital?" and she says "no..." but she was IN the hospital "the last couple of days..." The implication, of course, was that I had Upset her, and all the Stress had caused this latest Upset. She also declared that she Hadn't Slept a Wink All Night (and it was All My Fault, I could tell).
Not much joy from the health visitor, apparently. She can get home help, but - gee, what a concept - she'll have to pay for it. If you genuinely can't afford it, you get it free, but if you can afford it, you pay. Fair enough. This woman probably thinks she shouldn't have to pay (she no doubt thinks I would be a good "home help") So we are at an impasse. Or she is. But she can wait till doomsday if she thinks I'm going to offer to come and clean for her.
And if those of you who know me are wondering about the distinct note of vitriole that is seeping into this (I don't usually eat little old ladies for breakfast), I should point out that this was a woman who visited my mother for tea every week for about twenty years without ever, in my mother's words, so much as bringing a packet of biscuits or making any truly thoughtful or unselfish gesture. When my mother was dying, she didn't go and visit her in the hospital or come to the house when she came home at the end, or send flowers or a card either to her when she was ill or to me after she died. She got shirty with me at one point because I dared to let some time go by without updating her by phone on my mother's condition. And, what I probably will never forgive her for, she couldn't make the effort to get out of bed an hour or so early in order to get to the church by 10:30 am for my mother's memorial service. But of course I had to phone her afterwards and let her know how it went and send her a copy of the obituary and of the service etc etc etc.
Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm for this project becomes clearer?
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Let me prelude this by saying that in general old people rock. So I don't think all old people are selfish and terrible.
A lot of elderly people think they deserve respect purely for being on this planet longer than others, and deserve care even when it screws around with another person's life. It seems this is the case for this woman.
Seriously, I would be so enraged if someone never even sent my mother a card, visited her, or came to the fricken memorial, and then after all that, had the audacity to ask me to care for them when they were sick! I commend you for not being a Giant Bitch (tm), because I don't know if I would have been able to restrain myself on that one.
Maybe I am a terrible person but "don't shit where you sleep" the saying is.
I think you are entirely justified in telling her to eff off. Don't feel guilty, either. If she really had few friends perhaps she could have valued the ones she had, like your mother, and maybe attended a memorial service. I can't even believe that she didn't show up for that.
I'm sorry, that was a really opinionated comment. But what I am saying is, don't justify yourself. You earned your independance and it sounds like this woman is probably the least worthy person to compromise it. Plus, a bitter caregiver is a crappy one - it's in her best interest to get someone who is a more or less 'happy' caregiver, regardless of whether or not she has to pay.
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No.
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Most likely your friend is going to the "big school up the road" from us, unless she's at a college with initials CC. If so, I'll keep my eyes open for her. All bright and funny women are most welcome :)
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Perhaps you should write her a letter explaining that you are happy to stay in touch, but that you are too busy to be able to make any regular commitment of time? Writing creates a useful distance.
Yes, we all have those guilt mechanisms - I know any phone call to my mother is likely to leave me in the wrong - so sometimes I avoid making one, and then I'm in trouble for that too. In this instance you are absolutely in the right. If she'd been a frequent visitor to your mother and offered help in her care you might have had a debt to repay. As it is, you really, truly owe her nothing beyond common civility.
Here's a pretty Spike icon to cheer you up.
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and thank you again for the sage advice :)
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You have my understanding, support and heartfelt admiration for dealing with this woman in a mature manner - not sure I'd be able to be so adult about it!
I think my mom and gillo's must be related :-) My partner does much better with her, so she ends up doing most of the daughterly phonecalls. *rolls eyes* But I'm just not evolved enough to deal with her in a similar vein, I guess!
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Of course she'd prefer to have your help for free. I'd like a big house in Ireland for free. That doesn't seem to be happening, either.
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<3 Spike.
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Nuff said!
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Seriously, thouhg, I feel you certainly deserve a fun life of your own.
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:)
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PS - love the icon.
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Debbie, we've both done enough eleder-care pennace to last a lifetime don't you think?
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Tourism
(Anonymous) 2007-05-19 04:43 am (UTC)(link)MKB