Further developments on the elder millstone front

[intertext]

So I phoned her when I said I would, to find out how things went with the public health visitor. If I had been in a video game, I would have been knocked backwards by the ice that came down the phone when she heard it was me. When I asked her how she was, she said "Not Well At All Today" I suspect that she'd either had time to think about what a rotten person I am, or had been nattering with her Other Friend, another senior, about Young People Today and how thoughtless and generally nasty they are.

Apparently she was Suffering some kind of Stomach Ailment. She's complained of nebulous and indeterminate IBS for decades - now, as one who actually suffers a form of this myself, I do sympathise, but on the other hand can hardly be held responsible if someone eats something she shouldn't, and in any case this Ailment has nothing to do with the pneumonia that had kept her in the hospital. Also, I tend to get less sympathetic when she says "this has been going on for the last few days" and I ask "was it happening when you were in the hospital?" and she says "no..." but she was IN the hospital "the last couple of days..." The implication, of course, was that I had Upset her, and all the Stress had caused this latest Upset. She also declared that she Hadn't Slept a Wink All Night (and it was All My Fault, I could tell).

Not much joy from the health visitor, apparently. She can get home help, but - gee, what a concept - she'll have to pay for it. If you genuinely can't afford it, you get it free, but if you can afford it, you pay. Fair enough. This woman probably thinks she shouldn't have to pay (she no doubt thinks I would be a good "home help") So we are at an impasse. Or she is. But she can wait till doomsday if she thinks I'm going to offer to come and clean for her.

And if those of you who know me are wondering about the distinct note of vitriole that is seeping into this (I don't usually eat little old ladies for breakfast), I should point out that this was a woman who visited my mother for tea every week for about twenty years without ever, in my mother's words, so much as bringing a packet of biscuits or making any truly thoughtful or unselfish gesture. When my mother was dying, she didn't go and visit her in the hospital or come to the house when she came home at the end, or send flowers or a card either to her when she was ill or to me after she died. She got shirty with me at one point because I dared to let some time go by without updating her by phone on my mother's condition. And, what I probably will never forgive her for, she couldn't make the effort to get out of bed an hour or so early in order to get to the church by 10:30 am for my mother's memorial service. But of course I had to phone her afterwards and let her know how it went and send her a copy of the obituary and of the service etc etc etc.

Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm for this project becomes clearer?

Comments

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

Hey, I was convinced yesterday. You really don't need to justify yourself! Oh -- totally off-topic, but a good friend of mine is moving up your way to take a faculty librarian position. I don't know where you are, exactly, but if you happen to have just hired an incredibly bright and funny woman with an Italian name, you are very lucky indeed!

[gillo]

Fully understandable. You do not owe her your time. On no account feel guilty, which is her aim.

[superfoo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but what an old bag!

Let me prelude this by saying that in general old people rock. So I don't think all old people are selfish and terrible.

A lot of elderly people think they deserve respect purely for being on this planet longer than others, and deserve care even when it screws around with another person's life. It seems this is the case for this woman.

Seriously, I would be so enraged if someone never even sent my mother a card, visited her, or came to the fricken memorial, and then after all that, had the audacity to ask me to care for them when they were sick! I commend you for not being a Giant Bitch (tm), because I don't know if I would have been able to restrain myself on that one.

Maybe I am a terrible person but "don't shit where you sleep" the saying is.

I think you are entirely justified in telling her to eff off. Don't feel guilty, either. If she really had few friends perhaps she could have valued the ones she had, like your mother, and maybe attended a memorial service. I can't even believe that she didn't show up for that.

I'm sorry, that was a really opinionated comment. But what I am saying is, don't justify yourself. You earned your independance and it sounds like this woman is probably the least worthy person to compromise it. Plus, a bitter caregiver is a crappy one - it's in her best interest to get someone who is a more or less 'happy' caregiver, regardless of whether or not she has to pay.

[oursin.livejournal.com]

Am I surprised that this is a lonely and alone old person?
No.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

I cannot see that you are under an obligation to this person in any way, shape or form.

[brinian.livejournal.com]

A very wise friend of mine has a wonderful philosophy on friendship: it's like a bank account. Both of you make deposits and you make withdrawls. When the person with whom you consider yourself 'friends' constantly withdraws more than they deposit, it's time to reconsider whether or not you want to keep the account open.

You have my understanding, support and heartfelt admiration for dealing with this woman in a mature manner - not sure I'd be able to be so adult about it!

I think my mom and gillo's must be related :-) My partner does much better with her, so she ends up doing most of the daughterly phonecalls. *rolls eyes* But I'm just not evolved enough to deal with her in a similar vein, I guess!

[lalouve.livejournal.com]

Do not get bogged down into helping this woman; in fact, run hard in the other direction. She'll be whiny and demanding, make you feel guilty, and not ever express gratitude. And she is able to pay for help, and would get it even if she couldn't, which means you don't need to feel guilty about it not being you helping her.

Of course she'd prefer to have your help for free. I'd like a big house in Ireland for free. That doesn't seem to be happening, either.

[inaniac.livejournal.com]

Ahh guilt, I know thee well. I actually stopped talking to my own mother after she threatened me with a lawyer.

Nuff said!

[lidocafe.livejournal.com]

Not sure if I can add antyhing of value--everyone has said what matters better than I could. I have to say that I was SHOCKED when you described this woman's lack of care/effort when your mom was ill and dying. That actually brought tears to my eyes. Can you imagine doing that and still claiming the status of friend? I agree with whoever said it's no suprise she's alone at the latter end of her life. And I agree with telling her / writing a letter explaining not only what you will or will not do but also where you're at in your life. The worst that will happen is that she will be mad at you and have to get home help. Whatfuckingever.

[countrygardener.livejournal.com]

A number of years ago a friend of mine had an elderly neighbor like that. She'd come over every day and complain of some ailment or other that necessitated someone helping her with this or that. One afternoon her children came to visit (they came very rarely), and my friend happened to mention that he though the old girl was a hypochonriac. A few months later the neighbor died. When the children came by to take care of the estate my friend asked what had happened. The son, without a moment's hesitation replied. "She died of what you said she didn't have." Cold very cold, but we've both laughed about it ever since.

Debbie, we've both done enough eleder-care pennace to last a lifetime don't you think?

Tourism

[(Anonymous)]

Have you come across the tour of Paris choclatiers (sp?) Saw a TV news story about it - and can't stop thinking of a basil and lime chocolate that was mentioned.
MKB