intertext

My thanks to all for your good wishes. The support of my physical friends here has been strong and unshakeable. In some ways it might be easier to be one of a large Ukranian family with dozens of aunties rushing in from all corners of the world, but I'm an only child and the few "rellies" I have are rather far afield, mostly in England, and Western Canada is a long way away... Well, they say you can't choose family but you can choose friends, and mine have been stellar.

Yesterday, I took doggies for a walk along a walking/biking path that crosses a nature sanctuary, and nature put on a spectacular show for me, as if it knew I needed it. First, a Cooper's hawk swooped across the path and perched about four feet away (and, of course, me without my camera...). Then a kingfisher sat preening itself on the edge of the lake, chattering its beak and flicking its tail. Even as I stood with tears pouring down my cheeks I felt the joy of that moment. Then as I was turning towards home two raptors, possibly falcons rather than hawks, were circling and calling against the sky. Who can feel sad for long in such a beautiful world?

I have been hugged by more complete strangers in the past 10 or so days than it feels like in my whole life, and, strangely, for this confirmed introvert, this has not on the whole been a Bad Thing. In fact, this whole experience has been (and continues to be) strangely full of grace in many ways. My mum is at home now, and I am receiving help from 24 hour home support, as well as a visiting home-care nurse and many on call people at my fingertips it feels like (at times the Canadian public health care system actually _does_ work). MKB is here at least until Wednesday, when she has a trial. Other friends phone - or not - as needed, and I'm just floating in this little unreal bubble, but it feels... not bad. Every now and then I go into meltdown; this often elicits one of the aforementioned hugs. But that's okay too.

I always thought I'd keep my life at some distance from this journal, but I find now that I can't keep up the cheery facade of memes and chitchat. Thing is, my mum has terminal cancer and probably only weeks to live. And that's what my life is right now. The past several months - all last term really, for those on the academic schedule - she's been ill, and I've known she's been ill, but it's only this week that it's been confirmed for sure that this is what's happening. It's a relief in a way to have it out in the open and to know what's going on and to have something to shake a fist at instead of what has been constant grinding anxiety. I'm dumping all but one of my courses for the rest of the term and now have to learn to face a world without the person I've been caring for for the last 15 years. And of course have loved for all my years. She's my friend, not just my mum, and I'm going to miss her. Badly.